


I've Given it Time and Thought

by lee_godhyuck



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, and that one time nct said, how they couldnt see tae as anything but an idol, if u can't tell i really love rock, no comfort for tae, tae is v sad and lonely, uhm aerosmith kinda inspired, which is why almost always have a slight reference to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-06
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-05-03 06:56:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14563476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lee_godhyuck/pseuds/lee_godhyuck
Summary: Lee Taeyong wonders where and what his role in life is, he loses himself in the darkness of the night.





	I've Given it Time and Thought

**Author's Note:**

> uhm like i said... aerosmith yea uh "Dream On" inspired this, idk like the sadder tones of the song. So that might good to listen to while reading this... or not? or Led Zeppelin's Dazed and Confused? Soundgarden's "The Day I Tried To Live"

The honey-sweet silence of the night hours brought me anything but sweetness. If anything, they reeked of rotting meat. The foul stench was overpowering and mixed with the irritating sounds of my own thoughts. The ones that told me horrendous ideas, such as how I was useless. Born to be nothing but an idol, though most would never understand or see the wrong in this. I should not be blaming my fortune of being a public figure but I despise it. At times, I find myself falling into a deep void of agreeing with the lingering thoughts of being succumbed to nothing but an idol. A war ensues between the good and bad of my sub conscious, but I have to be stronger than the dark and hungry thoughts of myself and others. 

They all see me as nothing but an idol, even my own members. That interview had drawn the imposing question on to myself.  _What is my role?_

Simply put, I was the leader of NCT and it was to stay that way. Well supposedly, we are to have no leader but all the other 17 boys see me as some sort of guiding figure. Their confidence within me is the reason I stay strong, I will continue to stomach my painful and dreaded thoughts if it means we all will continue to succeed.  _How is that fair though?_ I picked at the sofa's armrest roughly, my nails gripped deeply into it's cushion material. I felt my finger flexing and sticking into place as I stressed my anger into them, the muscles in arms tensed with every second. How is it that I was cast as just a face when I was younger, to being a leader. There are others who have trained longer than me, those who stronger physically and mentally than I am. I have taken their place, but yet none of them speak ill of me on that topic.  _They don't want you to feel bad, not after the last ordeal._ My vice grip loosen as I remembered such an annoyance, I was a child then yet no one seemed to care that we all make mistake. Fake or not they all eat it up and turn against someone who supposedly has it better than them. What hypocrites. 

Sure enough, I am the epitome of visuals but  _is that all I am?_   Rap wise, Mark is much more promising than I would ever be at such a young age, I envy him. A hard working kid that deserved every wonderful thing in the world, he has proven himself countless times and continues to do so as he is acknowledged by everyone.  _Unlike you, all you'll ever be is that scandal._ I rolled my eyes, I am better than falling to such a dark period as I have proven myself but who cares? Not the media.  _They care._ My members and that was enough for me, they are all I have to truly please. 

I slumped down further from my original sitting position, I glanced at my phone. It read 2:31 A.M. Perfect, another night about to be spent awake and fighting off myself. I wish I could lull myself to enter the blissful sleep cycles. There, I would not have to worry about fruitless thoughts and replenish my energy for another full day.  _Do you deserve to be busy?_ Truth be told, I think I should be thankful for being one those who are "born to be a star," but I'm not. It is the root of my sleepless nights like this one, where all I do is ponder on what my life could have been. Would I still be struggling in deciding on what to become? Would I have succeeded in a normal life like everyone else? _Or would my face be enough to get me by_? That last thought irked me, why did I always resort to my appearance. It is truly a blessing and curse, unfair that all people view me as is some ethereal being when I am nothing but the same as them, human. I deeply sighed, I sat creepily in the darkness of the living room of the dorms, surely one of them will wake for a drink of water and spot me. Then again, every time I sulk in the night hours they tend to not ever wake almost out of spite. 

 _Don't be selfish, we all go through this._ That I could not ignore, as a leader I could not. How many of them went to sit in my same position pondering the same thoughts but in a different predicament? How many times? It was not fair that I craved for one of them to talk to me and help me, as their leader I could not do so. They would see me as weak and then what would my current role be? Not a leader but a weak leader. I clasped my hands together over my stomach and exhaled out of my mouth. There were no lights but my eyes burned, perhaps it was the stinging feelings of my tears wanting to fall? Or just my tired body craving sleep and not my cruel thoughts.  _C'mon don't you deserve some beauty rest?_ No, I just want regular rest. 

I wanted to dream of being something else than an idol, but even my own mind could not offer me such a luxury. Truly, I hate being famous, I hate having such a great fan base, having those who spend their savings just to see a glimpse of me. They all deserved better than what I could show them, I can't even reach out to those who love me to my fullest potential.  _You're letting them all down. Just quit and leave them, they can survive without you._ I thought about it before, packing my belongings and begging for the contract to be terminated. I would return to a normal life, I would drift and lie around sulking in what career to chase after. I would dream about friends and great times, perhaps rebuilding a stable relationship with those I did not have one with. I could easily visit my sister and do normal sibling activities. If I was not an idol, I could do almost anything I wished to do without some sort of reaching backfire. 

As a leader, I had it the hardest. I could barely breathe without some person finding it offensive or whatnot. It was tricky in today's society where such simple things are blown out of proportions and seen as problematic, anyone's career was on the line.  _You do a pretty bad job of shielding the others too._ I blinked, I try to catch them all but there are so many of them I don't have enough limbs to do so. All I can offer to them is a hopefully promise of being there for them always, which has been debunked. I am the second busiest person in this group and it's unfair.  _Yeah you've heard of a ball hogger but look at me, I steal everything._ They dragged me for useless schedules that did not fit my own concept, they could have easily gave it to else one that was truly deserving of it.  _Sicheng and Youngho don't say anything to you, but that doesn't mean they don't want to._ Is it really my fault that others don't have a chance to showcase their brilliance? Potentially, but ultimately it's not up to me on what I do. We all equally have to follow harsh orders which take immense tolls on us all but we all deal with it. My method was to bottle it all up and sulk in ghostly hours, heck the paranormal figures are probably more scared of my own thoughts than I am. They've all heard it.

The way I thought about leaving them all, permanently. By ending it all, meaning my life. My life could be described as blessed and eventful but it was not always like this. Even as a teen, I had the same thoughts attack me left and right, the bruises are just resurfacing. My teen life was filled with self doubt and hatred. Partially because of the disappointment that may cover my family's face. I was as empty during my teens, I had no ambition or dreams and sat down with boredom overtaking me. It's sad how nothing's changed, I am still as equally lacking motivation. The only difference being that I have others who share a dream, the same one surrounding me. They all radiate positive energy and sometimes I soak it up like a plant depends on the sun. They all shone so brightly and I had to fake it. 

My hands rushed to my hair and push it out of my face and then massaged my scalp. My head ached, maybe I was getting sick.  _Perfect, so they can feel bad for you as a leader and baby you. Think about the kids._ The pads of my fingers pushed deeply into my temples as I thought about our youngest team members. They at such ages showed their best side and the fact they were still growing in appearance and talent was freaky to me. They combined... No, on their own were even more remarkable than I could ever be. I then sat with all my limbs in a loose manner, I wanted to drift away. I wanted something to take me away or if not I wished something would make me stop feeling like this. 

I looked at my phone again, 3:55 A.M. Another deep sigh left me and I decided to try and go to sleep for at least 35 minutes before our natural waking hours would come. I agonizingly got up and stretched nicely. That was refreshing. I blindly tried making my way to the washroom, feeling the walls as a guide. It was useless that I ended up resorting to using my phone's flashlight. Quickly, I made my way into the small washroom and quietly closed the door. I needed to minimize my sounds especially at such a crucial time. The bright light of the room blinded me and made my eyes hurt even more, once they had adjusted I looked into the mirror, at my reflection, at myself. I wanted to laugh, if only the public saw this side of me. Bedhead, dark circles, sickly pale skin from lack of sleep. None of my facial features looked handsome,  _that's why they spend so much time with you. Gotta impress the public, pretty boy._ My hands clutched onto the edge of the vanity and I leaned my weight onto them. 

The media and every other person had such high expectations for me and I hated it. I hated hanging onto a rope that I was slowly losing my grip on, I was going to fall and none of them noticed. If I ever did fall, they would somehow see a fault within me and blame me for bringing myself pain. That was the only good thing they were good at. None of them knew how it felt to be an idol, a leader, me. No one could ever possibly understand because we all deal with it differently. I can't even summarize my own feelings because they're that absurd. I looked into the mirror again and anger rushed into me.

_Do it, bang your head against the glass. Ruin your face, ruin the only thing you have going on. Show them you're more than a face. Show them you're the strong leader the members see you as. Bang it so hard the glass shatters and cuts your face, so loudly it wakes them up and forces them to investigate it. That it forces them to see you in such a pitiful state._

My clutch was strong, I was fighting myself again. As badly as I wanted to harm myself, feel  _something,_ I knew that was the wrong way to go about this. I needed to seek help, I needed to vent my thoughts out to someone, even if it meant writing them down in a book. I can't do this anymore, I'm so close to breaking down again and falling back into a depressive slump. Nothing about the night time silence was sweet. I harshly let go of the vanity and made my way out of washroom and into my room. I jumped into my bed and covered myself with the sheets until I was sure nothing could see me. That nothing could see me staring emptily into nothing, that I would still have around 15 minutes to sob and recover in time to act normally around the others. That's all I ever did whenever I was awake all night. Routinely, everything I did in the last hours was all I do in secrecy. None of them know, it's my own dirty secret and it brought me a sick joy. 

I covered my mouth as my cries became slightly louder, I shook in tremendous ache. The horrible thoughts all attacked me at once not allowing me to breathe. I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my face, my pillow became wet quickly and soaked my profile. I tried to stop myself by focusing on the good things my life currently has to offer. However, it's hard to do that when the bad things tend to be more demanding the the good ones. It's that for everything, expect for children. They have who have no sense of reality, they who are so ignorant that it's so blissful and blessing. They do not have to deal with crying over such harsh ideas, they do not have to cry over themselves. They cry because they are physically hurt or miss their parent. Children have someone to depend on in most cases, in this case I am a lost child who never had anyone to run to and it shows in my adulthood where I cry like a child under the covers. The only monster I have to be afraid of is myself. How childish. I snorted a bit and the tears halted. My breathing was ragged but it would soon return to it's normal pattern. 

I lied under the comfort of my warm blankets until I heard the alarm going off.

It was time to start a new day, time to put on a front and act like a noble leader. It was time to mask my feelings again until they haunt me at night. With that, I threw the covers off me and turned the alarm off. I had to be responsible and wake the others kindly and that's exactly what I did each time. I went to shake the one in my room and throw a smiley, "Good morning," to him who annoyingly swatted me away. I continued this, until it was 5 A.M and we were all ready to leave, I left the dorm last and looked back into the semi dark living room.  _I'll return._ With that I shut the door close and locked it. 

 

 


End file.
